How to Empathize

In my last article, I don't want to leave the impression that I don't care about problems. Or that you act like you are in la la land when troubles arise. Doing that will concern those around you for sure. And I don't want to come across as that I don't care about people's struggles or that I think that problems shouldn't be discussed. 

My point was in that we can't focus on negativity. In the moment hard times are hard. And very often people need help and encouragement during those times. But it should not be the focus. There is a difference between explaining your situation or asking for help, versus complaining. 

When we complain, there is no resolution. Not that a resolution isn't possible, I mean that nothing gets resolved. Complaining usually serves one purpose, and that is an attempt to get pity. However pity really serves no useful purpose. To feel sorry for someone doesn't help them. It doesn't help us either. And to try to get pity doesn't help us. 

What I'm trying to get at is that we need to help people. And if we need help, we need to try to get it. We need to actually try to do something. One of the best ways I can explain this is by an example. 

If I am going through a hard time financially, and I need money, I have several options available to me. I can ask for help, I can try to do work to obtain more money, and I can try to make sure that I use whatever resources available in the best way possible. Now if I turn to someone and tell them my situation I need to do it for a useful purpose. If I am seeking advise, then I'm not complaining, I am trying to get help. If I ask for money, I'm not complaining, I'm asking for help. And if I'm trying to obtain work, I'm asking for help and demonstrating that I'm trying to help myself. But if I'm just trying to get sympathy or just trying to vent my frustrations, or I'm feeling sorry for myself, or I'm trying to blame someone else for my situation, none of that is helpful. It's just complaining and it's not useful to myself or anyone else. 

Now one area where we can help others is by doing this. When someone comes to us, and they are complaining, we need to examine our own role. We don't want to be dismissive, or come across that we don't care. What we want to do is help them. If the person is simply looking for pity or wanting you to agree that their problem is terrible, then we need to try to direct that to a more positive and productive energy.  Again by example, if I am on a job and someone complains that the job is terrible, isn't working well, or other negativity, we can try in whatever way to help that situation. I can bring up something positive in the situation, like what a nice sunny day it is, or offer to help them in some way. Try not to be dismissive, but don't feed attempts to fish for pity.  Smile. And don't let them drag you into that negativity.  Be understanding. 

When someone complains to me, and I start also complaining back, talking about how my own life is so hard, that life is just hard, and basically agree with them, not only does it not help them. It actually in many ways pulls the focus away from them and their problem and places it on myself. I have not only failed to help them, but have actually hindered both them and myself. In contrast, if I share with them my experience in that area and then offer advise, or a solution, and reassure them that I know what they are going through, now I have become a help to them.  I have helped them not only with the immediate problem, but as a whole have become a positive influence.

My own experience is that our society is geared towards this negativity. From the time we are very young, society at large has been teaching us to think and behave this way.  The reason it matters to try to become aware of this and try to overcome it is that if we are constantly complaining, we can be grateful and appreciative. We can't see the benefit of adversity. We don't learn the lessons. It stagnates our own growth and limits our full potential.

Freedom vs Bondage

It has been a while since I've written anything. I've been trying to decide how to express my next article regarding Adam and Eve (Havah) and who they are, and why that matters. I will get to that, but for now I have decided to take a break from that topic and instead discuss another matter. 

In this post I'm going to share some personal experiences so that you can get to know me, and perhaps learn why I view things the way I do. In this case, I'm going to discuss a situation that vividly demonstrates the difference between freedom and bondage in a way that perhaps you might not have considered before. 

I used to work for a company that installed furnaces and air conditioners. While I worked there I worked with a guy who was offended by my overall optimistic attitude. (I was in fact going through some struggles, but that's another story).  For example, when asked how I was doing, when I would respond that things were great, he would view it as a lie or an outward show, as though I was trying to be superior.   When I would ask how he was, or how things were going in his life he would usually respond with a negative comment, like how things could be worse, or the issues he was having with his wife, or kids, or how terrible the job was, and that he wouldn't be able to enjoy life till he was too old to enjoy it.  Nevertheless, this guy choose to leave me alone, and I had no success with trying to encourage him to be more positive. 

I later worked for another company as a service plumber and worked with another guy that was similar, only more persistent. For example, I don't swear. By that I mean don't even think it. In fact in contrast to himself, my reaction to frustrating circumstances is very calm and composed.  This really aggravated this guy, and he made it a mission to try to get under my skin and make me swear. I'm serious, he told me to my face that one day he was going to make me mad and that I was going to curse and swear and that I would feel so much better by getting it all out.  And so he kept trying, though he would back off when I let him know that I didn't appreciate it and that he had crossed the line. He never did succeed. 

Another thing is that I would greet customers with positivity, even though our being there was because they usually had a plumbing problem, so they probably weren't having the best day. I always believed that by being helpful and friendly that I could help them. One day this same coworker told me that I should empathize with them by talking about how terrible these problems are. That I should talk about things that go wrong, and that I too have things pretty bad. As though by talking about negativity, that it helps cement a friendship with the customer.  As if to suggest my upbeat positive attitude makes people feel worse and makes me seem unrelatable to most people. 

Now both of these individuals have something in common. Both of them believed that they were free. They believed they were free to express themselves verbally, as well as by behavior. That being able to curse, and swear, and dress as they please, and do as they please, is freedom. Indeed this is a common attitude. Many look at me and think that I must have been brainwashed, and am therefore not free. That my religion and upbringing restricts me. 

And yet when you take a step back and look at the different outcomes in their lives, a pattern emerges. The fruits if you will.

One of the obvious problems, is that both these individuals are fundamentally unhappy. Oh sure they may think they are happy at least some of the time. But their complaining is the outward sign that they are actually unhappy, and they choose to blame external factors.  They are unhappy in their marriages, unhappy in their friendships, unhappy with their jobs, etc. 

Their thought patterns, behaviors, speech, and reactions are all based upon the natural impulses of the body. They are governed almost entirely by their emotions in a raw ungoverned form. When they see an attractive member of the opposite sex, they lust after them. When they see something they like, they impulsively indulge in it. When something irritates them, they explosively act out in anger, cursing and swearing. In short, they are slaves to their natural behaviors. And every time they act based upon their natural impulses, they become increasingly unable to act any differently.

In contrast, someone who has learned to govern themselves is actually more free. I can only speak for myself, but when I get frustrated (yes, I'm still human), I don't impulsively act out in anger. I don't yell at people in an angry tone, or throw things. Instead I examine the situation and consider what can I do about it?  I will honestly express my opinions, but I'm not going to throw a fit. If I can constructively improve the situation, then I will do that, and will have learned to conquer something in the process. If I can't change anything, I can still learn from the experience, and try to do better next time. Regardless, I can choose to be positive and happy even in frustrating circumstances because it betters me as a person. 

That is the fundamental difference. These other individuals are ultimately unhappy, and have chosen to become victims of their own circumstances. They do not take responsibility for their own lives, and have become a slave, unable to be freed. They have hinged their happiness upon external circumstances, which can never be satisfied. By constraint, I have chosen to be happy, to take control of the only thing I can control, which is myself, which makes me the master, and as such I am free. Those in bondage look upon those who are free and desire the happiness that truly free people enjoy, but they cannot have it because they have not learned the means by which it is obtained. Instead they become angry that they cannot have it, they cannot in their current condition understand that people can actually be happy. 

I'm not saying or trying to give the impression that I am perfect, or that I am in any way superior.  I make mistakes. But I try to learn, and am striving to always better and perfect myself. Complaining has never brought me happiness, and I doubt it has ever brought anyone else happiness either. I want to be happy, so why should I choose a behavior that doesn't make me happy?  Why should I be angry if I want to be happy? And if I was unhappy, why should I desire that others be unhappy too?

If I learn something from every experience, then I am growing and progressing and becoming more like God. This is a good life. Enjoy it!!!