Stealing From Employers

A common practice today, as any employer can attest, is theft by their employees. Employees take advantage of their employers in many ways. 

Among the most common methods is dishonesty in reported hours. Many employees will falsely report hours worked. They will clock in before they actually started working, round up their time, fail to clock out for breaks, falsely report the length of those breaks etc. Each individual theft is small, but cumulatively can amount to hundreds,  thousands, even tens of thousands of dollars per year. 

Many people will use company time and money to do personal errands and think little of it. Yet they know it is wrong. No matter how they try to justify, they know that they are doing wrong. Which is why they sneak and hide. They try to cover their dishonest acts with lies, alibis, trying to appear busy, etc. 

Conversely, there are many employers who will take advantage of their employees, and while that isn't right either, from my perspective it's not as much of an issue, because an employee that isn't treated fairly can always seek employment elsewhere.

If you are not honest with your employer, you won't be honest to anyone else either. Stealing is wrong, no matter how you do it, or who you steal from. 

Obvious Theft

The most obvious form of theft is when someone takes something that doesn't belong to them. Money, merchandise, vehicles, etc. are all obvious items that are stolen. 

What is remarkable is people's justifications for doing so. Some people are of the opinion that if they think they need it more than its rightful owner, that they are justified in taking it. They feel that if someone has wealth, that they won't miss it or that they can easily replace it.  They also often justify that those that have wealth obtained it by first stealing from others. That the rich are rich because they have taken from the poor. 

Justifications aside, let's make something clear. Stealing is wrong. No matter what justification you can come up with, no matter how great your need, no matter if you do it for someone else, it doesn't matter. Stealing is wrong. So if it doesn't belong to you, don't take it. If you really need it and are unable to pay, pray to God for help. And if your pride makes it hard to ask for help, put your ego aside.

Thou Shalt Not Steal

This commandment may seem obvious, but I think it should be discussed thoroughly. 

There are many who profess to believe in God, who claim to be Christians, Jews, Saints, etc. who will steal from those both outside and inside their circles. They will cheat one person or group of people to enrich themselves, and justify it for whatever reasons. 

I have seen people use their positions in their community, their family relationships, their friendships, etc. all to enrich themselves at the expense of others. 

Over the next while let's talk about some of the ways people steal from others, often without thinking about it, or how they justify their actions. 

Own It

Before I leave this topic, I just want to emphasize an important thing to remember in not only our relationship with our spouse, but with people in general. If your marriage is not as strong as it should be, if your relationship is falling apart, if your family is not as close as it could be, own up to it. Don't deny the reality. 

Now I'm not saying play the blame game. I'm saying take responsibility. Just realize a simple truth. No matter what situation you find yourself in today, know that it is your own choices that brought you there. Now if you deny this truth, then you are not in a position to better your situation. You are not where you are at because of the decisions of others. Your situation is not someone else's fault. Now I know sometimes bad things can happen, but I'm not talking about that.  And I am not talking about feeling guilty or blaming someone, not even yourself. 

What I am talking about is change. The moment you own up to the responsibility, you are required to do something about it. Now let's say your spouse wants to leave you. How did it come to that?  Was it founded on a weak relationship?  Was it based upon finances? Was it based upon some other thing that really wasn't that important?  What other factors played a role?  Have you been honest? Have you been looking for pleasure and satisfaction elsewhere?  Have you spent time together?  

Now I'm not saying that applying changes will turn around and save a bad situation. But I am saying that if you become the kind of person that a good man or woman would want to be married to, then you will be happier with whatever lot you find yourself in. Your happiness does not come from others. True happiness comes from knowing that your course is pleasing to your Father in heaven. And to find that course, you must be willing to humble yourself, and pray that you will know what you need to do, and be willing to do it. And once you find real happiness, it has been my observation that good people will want to be around you, and you will enjoy life more and help bring joy to others. 

I believe I have covered enough on this topic for now. I just want to leave the idea with you, that Christ's sacrifice was not about forgiving us unconditionally. His overwhelming message was one of mercy towards those who desire to repent. That's what grace is, it is the opportunity for us to repent.  I encourage all of my readers, if you desire to have a happy marriage, and to avoid sin, which brings only misery and unhappiness, then repent and strive to love your companion. I leave this with you and ask that God will bless all those who desire to receive. 

Rough Times

In is normal and common for people to go through some hard times in their marriage. This can can occur for a variety of reasons. Most of these reasons have been explored in my recent articles. But what do we do about it?

One important thing to realize is that most serious problems between couple are a mutual issue. I don't intend to make people feel guilty, but I would like them to realize that in most situations, both partners are pushing each other away. Person A leaves their coat on the floor. Person B gets frustrated and retaliates by withholding love. The decrease in intimacy  and the negativity creates feelings of hurt and loneliness, and Person A begins to withdraw themselves, and a negative cycle has begun. 

Effective communication is important. You cannot assume that the other person understands your struggle or disappointments, unless you communicate it effectively.  Shaming and belittling your spouse is NOT effective communication. If a young man is playing games rather than spending time with his wife and family, and it bothers her, trying to make him feel guilty is not going to strengthen your relationship. Nagging is not effective communication. Very often such behavior is used as an escape from a negative relationship. Likewise a man complaining that his wife spends too much, might need to look at himself. If he is not giving her what she needs, (I don't mean more stuff) she will seek it elsewhere. 

Instead of acting emotional and out of control, a woman could say to her husband "Honey, I know you like to play your games, but you are leaving me feeling very lonely. I feel like I have to compete with your entertainment, and it makes me feel hurt and neglected. I want to spend more time with you."  Try to communicate it in a positive way, don't try to make him feel guilty because he has a weakness, but rather let him know that he is loved. In many cases, such an approach will start to soften his heart, and he will begin to change himself because he wants something better. 

Same thing guys. In my example, many girls that really like shopping actually want attention, but they don't know how to get the kind of attention that they actually need. Because they don't feel like they get what they want from their spouse they seek for the approval of others, often by trying to get more things that they think will make them happy. 

Most problems in relationships result from selfishness. And it is by letting go of the ego that we are able to affect real change. We will grow greatly once we realize that we have no power to change someone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. True we can be inspired to change, but we have to do it. We have to own up to our responsibilities. If your marriage is struggling, own up to your own responsibility. 

Modesty

Now all this discussion in regards to these topics would be incomplete without touching upon the subject of modesty. 

The scriptures are quite vague upon the subject of dress. The reasons for this are largely because the laws and commandments are like training wheels. They are not meant as a strict set of rules to abide by, but rather as a set of principles that once learned teach us how to make intelligent choices. So laying out a strict dress code defeats this lesson. 

Modesty is a principle. We are taught to be clean, chaste, and virtuous. This includes how we behave and how we dress. Outward appearances are not everything, but they often reveal what is in our hearts. 

When a young man dresses like the world, he will by nature and natural consequence, attract certain kinds of friends, including certain kinds of girls. These friends are by nature peers. And they will affect how we think and act. This in turn can sculpt our lives. And the same rules will dictate that certain appearances will also repel certain kinds of people too, including girls.  Likewise with the girls. If they dress a certain way, they will by natural principles find themselves surrounded by certain kinds of friends, and will repel others. 

If a young girl wears heavy makeup and skimpy clothes or the latest fashion she will attract the attention of those who find that kind of thing appealing. And the boys who are interested in virtuous girls may think that a girl that is dressed that way is a tramp and will look elsewhere for a suitable companion. If a young man wears baggy pants and the trendy clothing, he will attract the shallow and vain people, and a good girl will be inclined to think that young boy is not suitable husband material. 

Modesty goes beyond how revealing clothing might be as well. Apparel that is excessively fancy or expensive attracts or repels certain types of people because it broadcasts what our hearts are set upon. It shows we want to be popular among certain peers. We should wear conservative styles because it reflects that we are disciplined and restrained in our habits. 

A saying goes, that you can't judge a book by its cover. That may be true, but the cover does usually indicate the contents. And while you could also have the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, the initial appearance is often fairly accurate. And conversely, you can send a negative message by the clothing you wear. Now a counter this is that it's what is in the inside that counts. Again, that is true, but often what's in the inside is shown by the choices we make. 

If you wear good, clean, modest clothing that covers your body and give you a pleasant appearance, it reflects upon who you are. And it doesn't matter what is popular, you will ultimately be happier as a person if you hold to your values. 

Fornication Within Marriage

Many people have a mistaken belief that fornication is having sexual relations outside of marriage. As my articles have shown, this concept is flawed. Sexual intimacy is always one of two things. Either it is a relationship between a husband and wife known as marriage, or it is adultery. 

A common idea that these casual relationships outside the marriage covenant are less serious sins. But any sexual relation that exists outside the laws of chastity are adulterous, and carry the same consequences. The reasons for this is not that God looks upon one sin as serious and another not so serious, but rather that the eternal laws of justice and natural consequences are always in effect. Either we are treating our relationships in a manner where they are solemn, sacred bonds or we are treating sexuality and the physical sensations as a form of entertainment. 

Fornication in its broader definition refers to this unclean state, an impurity pertaining to the marriage. It is a state in which the bond between the man and woman is broken. In other words, fornication is not exclusive to the act of committing sexual activities outside the marriage covenant, but rather the act of violating the marriage covenant through an act of uncleaness. 

So what is this uncleaness?  Well, fornication is more or less, the act of putting sexual pleasures ahead of genuine intimacy. It is the act of indulging in carnal pleasures, often including birth control measures, pornography, performance enhancements, etc. it also includes refraining from intimacy for a variety of reasons, including but not exclusive to: masturbation and fantasies, punishment, etc. These things weaken the true relationship and turn a marriage into a drudgery. It's like covering a white wedding dress in manure. It converts the sacred bonds of matrimony into whoredom. 

Now for a couple scriptural references as an example:

“And in the second year of this week in this jubilee, Rebecca called Jacob her son, and spake unto him, saying: "My son, do not take thee a wife of the daughters of Canaan, as Esau, thy brother, who took “him two wives of the daughters of Canaan, and they have embittered my soul with all their unclean deeds: for all their deeds are fornication and lust, and there is no righteousness with them, for (their deeds) are evil." Book of Jubilees 25:1

"And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.  And the thing which he did displeased the Lord" Genesis 38:9-10

See also 1st Corinthians chapter 5

Birth Control

While I am still on the subject of marriage and relationships and adultery, I thought I would touch upon the subject of birth control. This is a very good question to address. What do the scriptures say in regards to birth control. 

Contraceptive use has been on the rise for quite some time. It in a nutshell offers people the ability to indulge in sexual pleasures without having to worry about children. Other birth control methods that are widely used include condoms and the morning after pill. 

One problem with these things is that they lessen the value of people. It makes sex cheap and common. It makes it easy for people to treat sexual intimacy as an amusing pastime. It makes them treat each other like entertainment.  It downgrades the relationship. 

Another problem has to do with children. Research has shown that couples that have children are more likely to have deeper more meaningful relationships. People who use birth control are depriving themselves of the joy that comes from bringing children into the world and raising them. This act requires people to sacrifice their natural selfishness and be more giving of themselves. This path of making people less selfish naturally makes them more loving. And the fact that people created something together acts as a cement that joins them together. 

In addition to that, there are physical consequences. Contraceptives are based upon synthetic hormones that disrupt the natural functions of the body. People do not realize how sick these unwholesome substances make them. Often the disruptions become permanent, becoming a major factor in the infertility epidemic that has been plaguing our nation in recent years. The body losses its ability to function normally. 

Condoms cause issues too. While not widely understood, there are chemical and hormonal bonds that occur between a husband and wife that involve the seminal fluid. Receptors in the woman respond to markers in the seminal fluid that trigger the release of hormones responsible for emotional attachment. This deepens and renews the connection between them. When condoms are used, the receptors are not satisfied, and the emotional connection breaks down. This again downgrades the relationship from an intimate emotional relationship to a more sexual relationship. Any practice that involves sexual contact without the contact of seminal fluid with have similar results. 

Abstinence is another practiced option. It requires the exercise of discipline and self control. However, it also can cause problems if not used wisely. If abstinence creates an emotional separation between husband and wife, it can be harmful. So a careful approach would need to be employed if this method is used. 

My goal is not to govern or define the type of relationship people should have with each other. But I find that this widespread practice of birth control is counterproductive to the marriage relationship. If a man and woman are not ready and willing to have children, then they are probably not emotionally mature enough to be married. Marriage requires a sacrifice of selfish desires or it won't work. Deciding not to have children is usually rooted in selfishness. People want to accomplish their dreams in life without children getting in the way. And that is pure selfish prideful ego, and if we are to become more like God, we must eliminate that from our characters. 

Another element to consider is that because the methods of contraceptives and condoms remove the common consequences and cheapen the sexual interactions, it makes those who employ such practices more prone to breaking their covenants and committing adultery. Abstinence can also trigger a weakness in many individuals, causing those who feel unloved and neglected to attempt to seek for it elsewhere. 

Till Death Do Us Part

As I have shared in my previous articles, marriage is not easily broken, There are actual physical bonds that are formed that cannot be broken, and one of the main goals of marriage is to not simply have a man and woman live together, but rather for them to learn to actually be united. 

So what about death?  In the world in general they marry till death, which by teaching indicates that the surviving partner would be free to remarry. But does this line up with scripture?  Does the marriage covenant used by the Christian world world exist in the scriptures?  What kind death is even talked about?  

An analogy used by a friend of mine goes like this. There was once a married couple, and the husband needed to travel to another country, and told his wife that when the time was right, he would send for her. But while the husband was gone, the wife decided that the marriage licence they had was only valid in the country she resides in, and that since her husband was no longer in the country, that she was no longer married. So she married another man. When the time came for her husband to send for her, she was unable to come because she had broken the agreement and was now married to another.  

So it is with marriage in this life. When we die, we are not actually dead. Our marriage unites our souls and spirit, not just the physical body. We should develop a love for one another so strong that when we die, we will desire to be with one another in eternity. If you get remarried after your spouse passes, then what kind of relationship did you have?  

I'm not saying that you should never get remarried, but what I am saying is do not treat death as a nullification of a marriage. Let the Lord direct that part of your lives, and unless directed otherwise, just keep your covenants with your spouse and with God. 

"The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.  But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God." 1st Corinthians 7:39-40 

Divorce Justified?

In light of the recent posts on abuse and addictions, the question that obviously comes up is at what point do these problems justify a divorce. How long do those involved need to keep trying to resolve or endure these problems. 

Among the gentile and Christian beliefs is taught that a marriage is for life. They enter into vows or covenants that they will be married until death. And the vows they enter into state that they will remain together through good times and hard times. There is a value to people honoring those covenants. Mormons are taught that they can be married for eternity, that their marriage can last beyond this life. 

So let's define divorce. Divorce is an annulment of marriage. When a couple gets a divorce under the law, then they are no longer legally married. 

So that being said, let's look at what Christ said. 

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." Matthew 5:31-32 

Also:

"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matthew 19:3-9

From what can be determined by these scriptures, divorcement is not really an option, unless one's spouse commits fornication or some other very serious sin. Any other cause, including abuse or addictions or other faults, does not justify a divorcement.  As such they need to work out their problems and try to mend the bond between them that is caused by these problems. 

Now this does not mean that a separation is not justified at times. It may very well be that a man and wife may need to separate from each other. This may especially be the case if physical abuse is extremely bad, or if these problems can adversely affect the children. Pornography can certainly justify a separation, since being exposed to it can cause serious problems. But a separation is not a divorce. They are still married, and as such are not permitted to remarry. 

Getting a legal divorce is not recognized by God, so if a couple has gotten a divorce that is not justified by God, then they are still married. You can only get divorced if God recognizes it, and that requires a testimony from Him. Unless you have that testimony, you need to carry on as though your marriage is still in effect.  Being divorced does not justify you in remarrying unless God directs you to, just as a single person should not marry someone unless God directs them to. 

Pornography

Perhaps the greatest of the common addictions is pornography. Of the series of common addictions that can shatter marriages, I have saved this for last, because of all the major problems, this one in particular is the most damaging. 

Many who view pornography claim it does no harm. They claim it doesn't hurt anyone. In fact some even argue that it can prevent people from acting out their fantasies. I have to disagree. In my view, and I will state it boldy, pornography is adultery.  Why is this so?

Let's turn to the words of Christ. 

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

Now isn't this verse plain. Does this not describe pornography perfectly?  When men view pictures or videos of scantily clad or naked women, are they not lusting after them? Are they not desiring to be pleased by these images?  Are they not seeking to satisfy an appetite?  

Notice the savior refers to this committing adultery in their hearts. Those that claim it prevents them from acting out their fantasies, does it not still corrupt their hearts?  Are they not seeking after a vile corruption?  This doesn't even apply to pornography strictly. You could have a women wearing modest clothing, yet have a man with a dirty mind ogling her and imagining when she looks like naked or fantasizing about her. This may not hurt the woman at all, but what does entertaining such thoughts do to the mind of the individual who entertains them?  Is not the damage done to the mind and heart just as real as if they had actually physically commited adultery?

Viewing pornography lessens the value of women in the minds of men. It makes men value the physical outward appearance and physical sensations, while it detaches them and isolates them from forming a real emotion connection. A man who views pornography does not value his wife as a wonderful intelligent person or as a valuable soulmate. He instead regards her as his property, to be enjoyed at his discretion. 

Furthermore that man's wife must compete with pornography.  She will feel inadequate in comparison with her husbands expectations and fantasies. She will feel like she is not pretty enough, and he will desire something from her that cannot give. 

This does not apply exclusively to men. Ladies, erotic romance novels are your pornography. Reading about it is no different than looking at it. It is just as as destructive. Can a real man compete with a woman's fantasies?  Do these novels portray realistic or truly desirable men?  I say they do not. They set you up for unrealistic expectations, and this will interfere with your relationships. 

These things prevent a true unity and bond and trust in your relationships. They cause you to focus on the outward shallow physical appearance and turn meaningful intimacy into nothing more than just another form of entertainment. 

Gambling

Gambling is a compulsive behavior. It is driven by a desire for pleasure just as any other addiction is. It's not so much about the actual winning as it is about the thrill. There is a certain appeal to people, to know how slim their odds are, but have that chance to win. 

The obvious problem, is that this addiction often gets people into trouble. People devote significant portions of their incomes to that chance to win. The lure of making the jackpot tempts people to keep playing. This in turn often creates marital problems. 

Most often a deeper issue is going on here. Those that are prone to gamble are inherently compulsive individuals, willing to try things without regard to consequences. They lack self disciple and control. This is a problem with all addictions, but gambling often manifests in an extreme way because that compulsive behavior is combined with greed. This is why gambling and crime are so often associated. Gamblers tend to branch out into other addictions, looking for the easy route. Where is the easy money?  Betting on races? Getting involved in a drug deal? Money laundering? Where is the easy sex?  Gambling can easily grow into other areas of life, and marital problems are a frequent result. Why do they try to hide their problem?  It's because they know it's a destructive behavior and they are unwilling to acknowledge it and change. 

If you have a desire to gamble, pray to God that your heart can be changed and that you can overcome that desire. If your spouse has this problem, pray for help and strength. Nothing worth obtaining was ever obtained by chance, everything worth obtaining is acquired through hard work and determination. 

Video Games

Another area that is a common problem is video games. There is a reason I am writing about this on its own, and that is because of the nature of this medium. Other media are often passive, requiring little or no input from the viewer. But video games are immersive. 

This immersive nature makes them a substitute for reality. They require our near full attention, and can keep us entertained for hours. They draw us away from what is going on around us. They can challenge us and reward us, all without really accomplishing anything. Very often they require this investment of time in order to be successful. 

Playing games occasionally for short periods of time is fine, but video games are easy to go overboard on. This one hits close to me. There was a time in my life where I definitely invested far too much of my time into games. And if I don't guard myself, it is easy to fall back into them. I have found the best way to deal with it is to replace that part of my life with something else. 

Like other addictions, video games draw us away from the reality of our lives. We need to seek God and perfect our characters. We do that by facing and learning from reality, and seeking to know the truth, not by escaping from it. And in our relationships, addictions draw us away and make us distant and isolated. Video game addiction has become a major factor in broken relationships and dysfunctional marriages. 

Television and Movies

Another area that is often an issue is this desire for entertainment. I know this topic is going to hit a tender spot for a lot of people, but I think it ought to be addressed, considered, and discussed. 

Now let's get one thing cleared up first. I am not against entertainment, television, movies, or music. I do believe that the kind of entertainment we choose is important, but that's a topic for another day. What I am getting at here is that these things are a distraction. And that distraction can easily get carried too far. 

I know of many people that have a television running whenever they are at home. There are many who spend most weekends watching the latest sports program, or following some new drama, or watching another reality tv show. And very often, thoughts of these things take up a significant part of their time throughout the day, not just while they are watching. 

Let's take sports for example. Sports are really little more than entertainment, yet millions of Americans are consumed by it. They spend hours watching it on television, listening to it on their radios, checking the scores on their phones, etc. Men build man-caves which is basically a shine to sports. And often this devotion comes at the cost of the marriage relationship. 

My main point is if we spent as much time strengthening our relationship with our spouse and with God, we would have a happier marriage, a happier life, and we would lose much of our interest and desire for entertainment which does not help us become better people.  Take an honest look at yourself. Ask an honest question. Ask "Do I spend too much time being entertained?" "Does it draw my thoughts away from God and my family?" We can only answer this question ourselves. 

And if this article offends you, chances are that you you love these things too much and don't want to let them go. But if you want to change, you first have to accept a need to. 

Drugs and Alcohol

One of the great problem areas is when someone gets into drugs or alcohol. These addictions can create major problems in a relationship. 

One of the largest and obvious reasons is that these substances can alter behavior and thought. It can take a person who would otherwise be happy, pleasant, peaceful, and kind and make them angry, unpleasant, troubled, and often mean. It can make them unstable and irrational. 

They say these substances can show who we really are inside. I both agree and disagree. Alcohol and drugs distort our decision making abilities and compromise our inhibitions. They say that when a person becomes abusive when he gets drunk it means that's who they really are. I will agree that a part of them must be, and that part is showing through. However a part of their character must also be the part that suppresses or overcomes that angry side. That part is often suppressed when under the influence of these substances, but it is also part of who they are. So drugs and alcohol in my mind do not show who a person really is, they rather amplify some traits while suppressing others. This hides or alters who that person really is. 

Repeated use begins to reprogram and alter they way they think. The drugs cause initial surges of pleasure ( or temporarily suppress stress), but as time and use goes on, the mind and body adapts to the effect and it takes either a higher dose or more frequent use to get the same effect. As this process continues it will eventually reach a point where it begins to interfere with other areas of their lives. It will adversely affect their work performance, their relationships, their finances, etc. 

This has the effect of making their sober lives increasing unpleasant to their perception, and the drugs offer a temporary escape. Either they fail to see that this substance abuse is causing their problems, or they know it but are unable and unwilling to change. They have become a slave to the substance. They increasingly want to escape their reality, and just satisfy their own pleasure. All with dire consequences. 

This eventually leads to broken relationships, isolation, unhappiness, and depression. Those in this situation have only a few choices, and because they can't see or think clearly, they either lose the will or ability to choose the best path. The choices are: realize the reality of the situation, own up to the responsibility, then begin to break the bonds and start rebuilding their lives, or continue on till it gets bad enough that intervention of some kind is excercised on their behalf, or the depression will eventual cause them to commit suicide.  Often they have to get very close to the third choice before they pick option number one. Other times option number two leads to number one. But in the end, it only has two outcomes. As harsh as it sounds, they either have to change or die. 

Addictions

I'm going to discuss addictions for a bit. I think this is an important topic that pertains a lot to real world issues today. 

Webster's Dictionary defines addiction as:

"a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble). 

An unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something"

In today's society, as there has always been, has lots of distractions which men and women can become addicted to. These addictions can include: television (sports, comedies, drama, etc.), social media, pornography, drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, money, etc. Regardless of the object of the addiction, it functions to draw our minds, bodies, talents, energies, attention away from the things that should be important to us. 

Addictions create powerful and dangerous rifts in our relationships with those around us, most importantly our spouses. I'll give an example. How many women do you know of that loves her husband to play games for hours on end?  How many women are grateful that their husband can spend an entire Saturday glued to sports programs?  How many men enjoy it when their wives go shopping for hours on end?  How many men like their wives to absorb fashion magazines and spend countless hours trying to impress their friends?  

I don't intend to attack those things as just being negative. My point is not the object of our attentions. My point is the part of us that craves those things at the exclusion of other things. We human beings love to be entertained. We love to "escape" reality. In order to build a strong relationship, we must learn how to properly prioritize. It's ok to have hobbies. But we need to learn how to keep them in check. 

Consequences of Abuse

When we abuse our loved ones one of the natural consequences is that we lose the ability to love. Whether physical or emotional, abuse destroys the abuser.

Those that are physically or verbally abusive tend to have layers of deep hurt. They are not strong. They feel that their weakness is a lack of value. And in order to validate themselves, they will try to use fear, intimidation, and shame to bring others to their level. They feel a lack of control, mostly over themselves, and so they desperately try to control others. 

What they have failed to learn is that love, honor, and respect are far more powerful tools to accomplish that goal. When we love our companions, we don't need to control them, we won't want to control them. When we love, we get love in return, and they will desire to strengthen and encourage and serve. 

This desire for control stems from fear. Mostly a fear of loss. A man who beats or insults his wife is afraid. He is afraid that if he doesn't control her, and make her fear him, that she will either control him, or that he will lose her. The truth is that if he has to use tools like fear, then he is already a slave to fear and is already out of control of his life. He cannot control himself and that scares him. Same if the roles are reversed. 

Fear is the opposite of faith. Those that seek control are doing so out of fear, and by reasoning, must not have sufficient faith. Fear is the opposite of love. Those that have fears need to learn how to love and be loved. They need to learn how to trust. If a man trusts his wife, he would never do anything to betray that trust. And he would seek to do anything to obtain and strengthen it. 

The cost of abuse is that the abuser will lose their own self respect and love, and will distance themselves from those that love them. The problem becomes self feeding. Unless those that are abusive correct the problem themselves, they will push others away, and that will tend to make them more hurt and lonely, and often more abusive. 

For those being abused, turn towards God, and show more love towards the abuser, don't retaliate. Retaliation just creates more hurt. For those that are abusing others, but want to change, turn to towards God. Help one another and stop trying to tear each other down. 

I highly recommend the movie "War Room". 

Emotional Abuse

Not all abuse that couples direct towards each other is physical. Much occurs as manipulation towards the emotional side. 

While there are many that do not physically harm each other, just as damaging are the words we speak. I know of countless couples who attack and belittle each other, and make negative comments about each other. They compare each other to themselves, other people, silly ideas, etc. They use words like "always" and "never". They directly attack each other's value. 

Now what does this accomplish?  It breaks down the bond and unity and love that needs to exist between them. It leaves them feeling like they can never measure up to the other persons expectations, and that they cannot reconcile their differences. 

This verbal abuse is in my opinion as destructive, if not worse than physical abuse. It scars the heart, and the deep emotional wounds are not easily healed. 

Think about your words, and stop tearing each other down, not even in joking. It also makes no difference whether you directly say things to each other. I know many men and women who will belittle their spouse in front of others, referring to them as the nag, louse, or worse. When we belittle our other half, we lessen their value in our own minds and hearts, and we lessen and belittle ourselves. 

This emotional manipulation does not always occur with words either. The "silent treatment" is a good example. Withholding other things, such as intimacy can at times be used as an abusive manipulative tool. Also saying things like "If you really loved me..." is a form of emotional manipulation. 

Realize that abuse deeply hurts people and that hurt can cause deep wounds that in the long run will have costly consequences. 

Physical Abuse

One issue that comes up is what happens if there is a physically abusive relationship. What happens if a couple get married, and one is abusive towards the other?  

And so the question comes up. In such a situation, is it justifiable for the one being abused to leave the relationship?  And what point does it become so?

I do not know how many people are in abusive situations. I'm sure it is a lot. I am greatly saddened by such things. I believe that one of the main goals of marriage is to help unite a man and woman. Obviously if physical violence is happening, then this unity is broken. 

Now for the benefit of those who are not yet married, and in no way a judgement towards those who are, I will state that the best way to avoid getting into such a situation is to trust the Lord on the matter. Most cases of someone getting into an abusive relationship stems from getting into that situation themselves. This is not always the case, but nevertheless, it is the common way. Two people who didn't know each other found each other to be attractive, they dated, got married, and is often the case, did not get to see the whole person until after they had been living together. The age old saying that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure very much applies to these situations

Now now regarding the question of leaving the relationship. As I have laid out in my previous articles marriage is permanent. As such it is important that those who entered into it strive to make the situation work. This means that every option to resolve the problem needs to be explored. Counseling and other aid programs exist. Usually there are deep rooted emotional problems that cause abuse to occur. Steps to address those problems should be taken. One step that I would actually consider very key and important is prayer to God. Explain the situation before your Father in Heaven. Ask for the faith and wisdom to know what to do. 

Now if other efforts fail, then separation from the situation may be necessary. I am never one in favor of cutting off or severing communication. Lack of communication often  makes such problems worse. But in many cases, separation may send a clear message. The abuser may realize that they do in fact love the other person and that they need to change if they want to be with that person. And obviously if the abuse extends towards the children or seriously threatens the safety of anyone, separation is a must. 

Divorce Is Adultery

As I have stated in my previous posts, when a man and woman are joined they become one flesh. This happens literally, on a physical level, on an emotional level, and on a spiritual level. 

As Jesus Christ said:

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:  But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."  Mark 5:31-32

And

"And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.  And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?

And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.  And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;  And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.  And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.  And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." Mark 10:2-12

Now do not these passages make the matter clear?  Jesus Christ has clearly stated his position on divorce. As I laid out in my articles leading up to this, when a man and woman join, they become one flesh. It is not a ceremony that makes this so. It is not a piece of paper that makes this so. It is not the recognition of men or governments that makes this so. It is because when a man and woman are joined, they become one flesh, and no ceremony, document, or judicial decree will change that. After a couple gets a divorce, they are still married. And after they are separated, if they remarry, they are committing adultery because their marriage is still in effect. 

Physical Marriage

I'm going to share with you an idea which is going to be controversial for some. But I believe it to be true. You may consider it, and hopefully take it seriously. 

Many people have a mistaken idea that marriage is a ceremony. That by going before a priest, or other official, having him say some words and then getting a document makes a man and woman husband and wife. The reality is that a ceremony is only a part of it. 

Sexual intercourse is marriage. The first time a man and woman join, they become one flesh, and they are married before God. No ceremony is needed for this part to take place. 

So in other words, this statement may seem strange, but they have entered into a marriage outside of wedlock. They have become married without covenants. The wedding ceremony is not where the joining of man and woman takes place. It is in the marriage which is the actual joining of the man and woman. 

I am in no way downplaying a wedding ceremony. I believe it is proper for the man and woman to first enter into covenants with each other before  joining. I think by doing so, the resulting marriage is stronger so long as both persons keep their vows. 

My real point is that in the world today, you have young men going around marrying young women, and women entering into those marriages, without any covenants. They then part their seperate ways and sleep with someone else, immediately committing adultery. They then act like some day they will settle down and get "married" without realizing that they already are. 

Again, I know this idea is controversial, but it is scripturally backed. This is why there is such emphasis in the scriptures on chastity and virtue. If a young girl is not a virgin, then she is already married.  Likewise for the man. If you sleep with someone who is already 'married, you are committing adultery. If you marry some who is already married, you are committing adultery and causing them to do so as well. Don't go around marrying people you don't intend to spend a lifetime with. Save yourself for for that person God intends you to spend your life with. Treat it seriously. 

Sins of the Fathers

We desire the best for our children. We often want them to have better than we had. We try to provide for them. We give them the best food, nice clothes, we shelter them, and we teach them. We want them to have the best possible life. 

The previous articles I hope open the minds of my readers to a new reality. If we want the best for our children and desire to give them the best possible opportunities, then this needs to include giving them the best parents. 

The principles of telegony and Lamarckism are both real, and they both mix. Our choices and actions affect our children and their choices and actions. I believe that all men are responsible before God for their own actions, I do not believe that we can use our ancestry or parents as an excuse to do evil. But I believe that we will carry part of the blame when our choices affect the lives of our children.  

If we have premarital sex, then our children pay part of that price. For a woman, her children carry the genetics of the first man she ever slept with. They will often have his traits. If those traits are bad, and she wouldn't like that, then why did she sleep with someone she did not intend to be the father of her children. For a man, it means that he is fathering children outside his apparent family, whether he likes it or not. So he should only sleep with a woman he would want to be the mother of his children. 

Learn to guard your thoughts and habits. They matter. Give your children the best. And if you've made mistakes, repent and try to do your best. Your positive efforts matter too. If you are faithful and determined, that trait can be passed on. Focus on creating good traits. If we strive to be righteous, it helps us create a better foundation for our children. 

Lamarckism

Another factor that plays into this is a theory known as Lamarckism. Basically Lamarckism puts forth this idea that characteristics and experiences gained during our lifetimes can be passed on to the next generation. The idea is also sometimes known as soft inheritance. 

This theory was originally abandoned because it did not seem to fit with modern genetics theory. But again, just like with telegony, the theory has proven to have its merrits. In recent years a new science know as epigenics has emerged. Basically epigenics deals with a study of DNA replication and why certain genetic sequences are copied and not others. 

The human body is incredibly complex, it has mechanisms to facilitate adaptations of all sorts. It can adapt to diseases, temperature changes, toxins, environmental stresses, dietary changes, etc.  As we go through our lives, the body possesses this seemingly impossible ability to partially rewrite itself. 

Among the things that are passed from one generation to the next is behavioral information. We have no idea how complex this behavioral data might be. In animals, a lot of behaviors deemed instinctual are inherited in this way. A prime example is dogs. In nature wolves have lots of behaviors that help them survive, and yet dogs, which are ultimately decended from wolves, lack these behaviors. Why?  Because man has selected dogs with behavioral traits that are more desirable for a domesticated animal. 

If a dog breeder desires offspring that are friendly, then a breeder will select the animals that have the right traits. What's interesting is that these traits may have not originally existed, but rather can be learned and then passed on. So when man tames an animal, the offspring of those animals become more tame. Each generation that passes reinforces this trait. The behavior is first learned, then passed on, and gets reinforced in the future generations. This is why some dogs point, others retrieve, others guard, others herd, and others attack. 

One Flesh Pt#3

Now you might be wondering, is there any scientific evidence of this phenomenon. 

The answer is yes.  Studies have been done in this area. One recent study involved fruit flies, and it was discovered that the first male that the females mated with had more effect on the offspring than any subsequent matings. You can read more on that study here. 

http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/ele.12373/full

In earlier times, studies were conducted and documented showing this same phenomenon between horses and quaggas.  Other studies also crossed with zebras. Now one could argue that since these studies were done a long time ago and people weren't aware of DNA then perhaps the studies were flawed. Possibly, but those studies were peer reviewed in their day. So long as the scientific method was followed, then the evidences shown in those studies is still valid. 

Modern genetics theory does not explain this phenomenon. According to the DNA alone, this should not happen.  One of the prevailing theories is that DNA and other information is absorbed from the seminal fluid into the immature unfertilized eggs, where even though it doesn't fertilize them, the material is stored there until the egg is fertilized, at which point it becomes part of the genetic makeup. Other theories propose that material outside the DNA is responsible. 

Many naysayers state that there is no evidence of this phenomenon. However, a common thing in modern science is that often facts, observations, and evidence that do not support the prevailing theory are hidden or disregarded. These people want to believe that they can do whatever they want without consequence. This is why they have rejected God. So when evidence is brought out that show that their actions might have long lasting consequences, it makes them uncomfortable. They would rather ignore the possibility than to own up to their own sins. Admitting the possibility of telegony means admitting that a loose and immoral lifestyle can have damaging consequences, and that God was right all along.  

One Flesh Pt#2

Prior to modern genetics and DNA testing, a common belief shared by many cultures a belief that the offspring of a female of any species (humans included) is affected by the previous partners that female has been mated to, especially the first mate. This idea is known as telegony. According to the theory of telegony, when a male and female mate, the female somehow becomes permanently altered so that all future offspring have traits passed on from that male. 

The term comes from Ancient Greece, where Aristole observed that very often children appeared to inherit traits characteristics from the first man that the mother had sexual relations with. Because Aristole was probably the first author in that culture to use the term and document in a scientific manner his observations, this idea is often attributed to him. However, by keeping an open mind, one will see that this idea long pre-dates Aristotle, and was commonly know in other cultures too. 

In fact, while telegony is often attributed to the Greek culture, Hebrew culture also seemed to be familiar with the concept and its consequences since antiquity. The following  story predates the Law of Moses. 

"And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother’s wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.  And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.  And the thing which he did displeased the Lord: wherefore he slew him also." Genesis 38:8-10

From this passage it is clearly laid out and taught that any children this man might have had by her would not be his children. 

Here is another case

"If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband’s brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband’s brother unto her.  And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel." Deuteronomy 25:5-6

This passage is based off the same principle. It would seem that a brother is specified here because he would be the closest genetic match to her first husband. He is to raise the children born by her unto her deceased husband, since they ARE his children. Notice the way this law is specified, that this is only to be done if her first husband did not bear any children. This law seems to prohibit that woman from marrying someone else who is not within that family. 

There are other examples found in the scriptures that support this concept. One example is the story of Ruth, which I encourage you to read. I believe that anyone seeking to do the will of God should take note. 

One Flesh Pt#1

The following articles are going to be a bit controversial for some people. But I think it is important, because now that I have discussed some aspects of marriage on the relationship level, let's now talk about some serious parts of the physical component. 

Most of us are familiar with the theory of genetics. In a nutshell, every living thing gets its blueprints from its two parents. The male and the female each provide a part of the genetic sequence, and the DNA is combined to for the genetic blueprint for the new embryo. So according to this theory, the DNA of the parents is what decides the physical traits, characteristics, and tendencies. 

The only problem with the theory of genetics is that very often it does not line up with the reality. To understand what I'm getting at, I will point my readers to another theory, one that is much older than the modern theory of genetics.  The object of this information is to reinforce this idea that the man and the woman physically become one in a very important sense. 

Strength Through Children

One of the first commandments God gave to man was to "...Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth..." Genesis 1:28. While this passage may seem very short and simple, it actually says quite a lot. 

To multiply means to have an increase. It means to have children. When a man woman becomes married, it is not simple addition. The man and the woman multiply.  This is one of purposes in marriage. 

What does it mean to be fruitful?  This symbolic term is used throughout the scriptures. All fruits are referred to as either good or bad, bitter or sweet. Simply having children does not fulfill this commandment. What kind do we bring forth?  Are we going to teach them to be good, and to praise God, or are we going to raise up more seed into Babylon?  

In our marriage, God needs to always come first. Even in the relationship between a man a woman, God must come first. And the man and must not place their children higher than God. Nor can they place their children between each other. If a man and woman put their children before their spouse, it weakens the relationship. Raise your children into God and teach them to obey the commandments. 

What does it mean to replenish the earth?  By teaching our children to do right and to set forth s good examples, they help make to earth a better place for all and in this way we do our part to replenish the earth. Teach them to be respectful and productive. Teach them to avoid wastefulness. Teach them to be conservative and resourceful. Don't teach them to be idle, don't teach them to seek for entertainment, don't teach them to try to get gain for themselves. Teach them to be wise stewards of all the Lord has given them. 

Marriage Is A Unity

Marriage is a union between man and woman. This union happens on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. 

In order to form a union of substance you need several things, one of the first of which is trust. If a man and a woman do not learn how to trust each other, then they will not be as united as they should be. 

Part of this trust comes from a knowledge that both participants have kept themselves pure. When people have had sexual relations outside a marriage covenant, it creates a rift that interferes with all future relationships. 

In Matthew 19:4-  Jesus says "Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."  According to this scripture, when a man and woman join, they become one.  This is a natural part of marriage. They are to become united. 

Another part is how a husband and wife treat each other.  In order to be united, they need to love and respect each other. They need to serve one another. It is not a matter of the man being the head, nor should the woman take lead. Rather they need to learn to function together. 

In order to be united, the goals need to be common. It helps when the goals are centered on something strong. Some of the strongest things are the things really matter. Cars, money, clothes, jewelry, gadgets, etc. are not strong goals and are not worth breaking the bond between husband and wife. When people seek to serve God, they learn to set aside the things of the world. And they learn to serve one another. In serving God, the bond between man and woman grows stronger and the love becomes deeper. 

Arranged Marriages

I cannot continue in this area without bringing up the subject of arranged marriages. I will break arranged marriages down into two basic types. 

The first type of arranged marriage is the type that's commonly thought of in fairy tales and such. The type where the parents or leaders arrange the matter beforehand, often for political reasons, and the participants are not given much choice in the matter. 

The second type is where the parents or leaders arrange the matter, but do so in a way that allows the participants full disclosure and agency. That is, the boy and girl are given their say in the matter, and are free to decide whether to proceed. 

Belief it or not, the second option is the most common marriage system in the world outside the Western nations. And believe it or not, it has a much higher success rate than dating. Why is this the case?  Because in most situations, parents want what is best for their children. And since in most situations, parents have more experience than young boys and girls, they are more likely to select good prospects for their children. Older more experienced people will look for good candidates with good qualities. While it is true that they aren't the ones who have to live with the decision, they will probably want good sons and daughters in law. 

On this matter, the statistics speak for themselves. Divorce in such circumstances is substantially lower, less than 10%, which is a reflection of the happiness in those marriages.

As for the first type, I am adamantly opposed to such infringements on people's liberties. I believe that liberty and agency is far more important than convenience or politics. Such marriages do still take place. Often it is done in a manner that outwardly appears like the participants have a choice, but behind the scenes, serious pressure and persuasion takes place. Often religion is used as a tool, threatening people with their salvation. Tactics are used where people are taught that their leaders have legitimate authority to bind the marriage, and that if they don't comply, they will not make it to heaven. To me, this type of manipulation is pure wickedness. In my view, anyone who uses such priestcraft is acting as accessory to rape. Sorry for my strong language, but that's how I feel about it. 

Arranged marriages can be a good thing, but only if those involved are free to make their choices. God may sometimes work though this means. I as always encourage young people to establish a personal relationship with God, and know for yourselves what is true and right. Don't blindly trust a leader for that connection. Know for yourselves. 

Marriage By Revelation

The best way to get married, is to seek for God's help in the matter. All you who profess to be Christians, Jews, whatever, know this one thing. If you truly believe God to be real and to be real in your life, then you will come to know that he can and does help us when we let him. This goes beyond marriage, it extends into every aspect of our lives. 

Now I'm not going to define revelation here. How you communicate with your God is your business, and only you can answer whether you have open communication with Him. If you do not feel you have that strong of a relationship with Him, then work harder at it. He is just right there. He is listening. He wants to help us and answer our questions and give us comfort. It is not Him who needs to come to us, we need to learn how to listen. 

In my own life, I will testify to you that this is real. It is how I met and married my wife. We didn't date, and truth be told I think our courtship (if you want to call it that) lasted only a couple hours. And are we compatible and happy? With my own wisdom and understanding, I could not have made a better choice. I thank my Father every day for blessing me so beyond what I think I am worthy of. 

In comparison to God's plan, courtship and dating are torture. In my life, could I have waited to get married, and gotten to know my wife better beforehand?  Sure, but what's the point of doing so?  We both knew the Lord's will, and we both wanted to move forward. All a courtship would have done at that point would have been to detract from the experience, to allow negative influences to have crept into our lives and undone, to a degree, the Lord's work. 

My advise to you is to not be satisfied with the outward appearances, or with your own understanding, or with the pressures around you. Don't settle for the physical desires and lusts, they will sell you short. Turn to God and trust Him. He loves you more than you know. He wants you to be happy, and happiness is His specialty. If you want to get married right, trust the One who knows. And don't let others tell you that it isn't practical and isn't realistic. 

Courting

Courting is a more tradition approach than modern dating. According to YourDictionary.com 

The definition of courting is the process of trying to attract and woo a romantic partner to create a long-term relationship or to marry the partner.

This by its nature is far more direct than the common dating practiced in the world today. Because it is founded upon a commitment, the qualifications are stricter. In dating you need to know very little about a person before becoming romantically involved, a recipe for disaster. In courtship, because commitment is involved, those entering into it need to be confident of what they desire. Two people don't commit to each other unless they are confident beforehand that they might be compatible with one another. 

In dating physical attraction is often the starting point, and emotional attachments form prior to determining character qualities. In courtship, the qualifications of the partners has to be determined prior to starting the relationship. A guy has to determine what kind of girl he is getting involved with in order to court her, while with dating, sometimes he may know very little about her other than the fact that she is a girl. Likewise a girl needs to have some idea about the man before she will consent to a long term relationship. 

So how does one get to know something about the person prior to courting them?  The answer ought to be obvious. Through casual encounters. The participants need not form emotional connections in order to observe how each person treats others, conducts themselves, etc. Most of the qualifications can be passively observed. 

As far as the reasons or qualifications. That can vary, based upon what we want. We could choose a companion for many reasons: physical appearance, personality, wealth, social status, etc. In my opinion, the single most prominent reason should be approached by asking a question. Would I want that person to be the parent of my children. Does that person posses the character traits to be an effective parent?  Even if you do not plan on having children or children right away, this question should be considered, because the same traits that make a good parent also make a good spouse. 

I will leave this topic for your consideration, with the idea that dating and traditional courtship are not the only options. There is another even better method.

Dating

Since starting a relationship right is such an important step in our lives, and God forms such an important part of it, I thought I would lay out several ways in which a relationship can begin and some problems with how the world commonly goes about it. 

Let's begin with dating. According to YourDictionary.com dating is defined this way: 

Dating is defined as to be romantically involved with someone.

Now this ought to be obvious that this is not a good foundation to establish a relationship on. One cannot expect to make a rational and reasonable relationship when romance is the basis. 

The world teaches that in order to get married, one must date as many people as you wish, until you find someone you are compatible with. So let's rephrase that statement exactly what it means, just to clarify what the world basically teaches. 

In order to get married (which is one of the most solemn and sacred relationships mankind can have) you must become romantically involved with various people until you find that special someone. 

I'm sorry. A true romantic relationship is based upon the deepest trust and respect. How can you trust someone who has had romantic relationships with many other people. The advise of the world seems extremely counter-productive to me. This is a romantic relationship without commitment. It has no stated goals, since one or both participants might be seeking a romantic relationship without marriage as a goal. And that approach often leads to heartbreak. 

I think the results speak for themselves. Most relationships that begin with dating do not result in marriage. Most marriages that result from dating are not healthy and strong, well over half of them result in divorce. I would think for a system touted as being able to help you find someone you are compatible with, that's a pretty sad track record. Your chances of success with any particular date is between 12%-38%, and your chances of a successful marriage out of that is between 27%-40%. This means that on the high side of these estimates, only 40% of those seeking to get married by dating will succeed with any particular person, and only 40% of those will last. By my math, this means that dating only has a 16% success rate one the high estimate side.  If you took the more reisticvodds instead of optimistic estimates, you would find the results even worse. That doesn't even consider the number of people who are actually happy long term in their marriages.  I think you will have better odds if you tried to select a companion by flipping a coin. 

Let me end this article by sharing a secret with you. Dating is not the only way to go about looking for a companion. Especially when you include God in the picture, there are better approaches. 

The Foundation

If you want a good clean marriage and a safe and stable relationship, it needs to start right, and that means that you need to be open and honest right up front about the goals and intentions. A proper start should not involve flattery, flirting, kissing or other physical contact.

Be honest with yourself. If you are a man ask yourself what kind of woman do you want to be married to?  And are you the kind of man that that woman would want to be married to? Do you think a good girl is going to want to be married to a man who has a big lifted truck?  Do you think a good woman is going to want to be married to a man who only thinks about going out on his four wheeler on weekends?  Do you think a good woman wants to be married to a man who sits around and plays video games all day?  Or a man that stares at girls?  Or a man that dresses like a hipster?

If you are the girl ask yourself what kind of man do you want to be married to?  And are you the kind of woman that that man would want to be married to?  Do you think that man would want a girl who sits there and reads fashion magazines all day?  Or watches every new drama that comes on?  Or reads romance novels? Or a girl that stares at guys? Or that wears skimpy clothing?

Look for an individual that has the actual character traits and qualities that you are seeking. Especially ask for the Lords help in that process, because sometimes you may see something outwardly that isn't the truth?  And be the sort of person that God wants you to be and the rest will fall into place. 

In my view, and this is my opinion, a good man should want a woman of God. He should want a girl who has striven to keep herself clean from the stains of Babylon. This is going to be a girl who dresses modestly, listens to good music, chooses good friends, refrains from flirtatious behavior, and avoids gossip.  This is not the be all end all, I will share what I consider to be the most important factor at the end of this article. 

For a girl, she should desire a man who first seeks to serve God. He should dress clean and modest, refrain from cussing and swearing, know how to manage his time wisely, refrain from excessive entertainment, treats others with kindness and respect, and always seeks to do his best. 

Now for what I consider to be the most important part of all. I adamantly believe that if we want to form a lasting relationship, it must start with God. If we first seek to have a relationship with Him, and do His will, He will lead us to a companion who will help us learn, grow, and be happy. If we trust in Him, He will reveal to us, in His own way, the best blessing. If we try to find a companion without His help, using our own wisdom and understanding, even if we look for those good traits, we will not find the same end result. A person we may think is the right one, may often not be what they appear outwardly or they may not be what we actually need. 

In my own experience I have seen girls that appeared to be good clean girls outwardly, but inwardly they are selfish, unvirtuous, dishonest, or a host of other problems. If I had not let God lead me to my companion, I could have overlooked some serious problems, allowed myself to become blinded and infatuated, and could have found myself in an unhealthy situation.

 I put this out to all who will listen. It is our right, privlege, and responsibility to establish first a relationship with your Father in Heaven, then trust Him to help you find a soulmate. A relationship with God as the foundation is much stronger than one founded on anything else. That way no matter what struggles or challenges you may face, you will always have strength in the knowledge that God placed you in that situation and He can carry you through it. 

A Tale of Two Houses Pt#4

This story is meant to illustrate a few key things that I think pertain to the building of marriages in the building the relationships. In this story, both brothers were given the same resources and opportunities. In the end they had very different outcomes, even though their houses went through the same experiences. 

So what was the difference?  Starting with the foundations. If we go through life and learn a simple lesson that will help us get through rough experiences, it is this. That no matter how perfect we think a situation is, circumstances always change. 

If we build our structure on something that is not stable, it will compromise the whole structure. So likewise in a relationship, what foundation are we starting with?  Guys, do we select a girl because she has a pretty face?  Girls do we choose a guy because he has a muscular build?  What if the other person has money, or nice clothes, or a nice car?  When I state it this way, it makes the answer really obvious. 

So what if the other person has a great personality and is great to talk to?  Well, personalities change too. So that's a weak ground to build on too. 

So where do we start?  We need to start with our foundation. What are we grounded on? What is important to us?  What are we basing our faith on?  What are we basing our characters on?  See the strong foundation has to be built on sound principles. Something that doesn't waver or move with every wind.

Before we can start a lasting relationship with someone else, we need to build our own character. We need to have a character that is firmly planted on integrity, determination, kindness, steadfastness, honesty, love, faithfulness, chastity, virtue, cleanness and truth. If our own character is not stable, no relationship we enter into will be stable either.

Just like the story I just told, William built his house more focused and determined upon the structure of the house than he did on the outward facade. Benjamin was more focused on making a good outward impression. But just as beauty does not make a stronger house, outward appearances don't make a strong relationship. 

One simple fact that will always happen is that no matter how strong you build, storms will always come. They may not always be what you are expecting, but there will be storms that will try your relationship. How well we weather those storms depends a lot on how well we are prepared. It also depends a lot on how much we choose to let God be a part of this process, since if we will consult him and ask him, he knows all about the conditions we will face, and if we seek him first before we begin, he will help us. 

A Tale of Two Houses Pt#3

The years pass by and both houses are subjected to weather, changes of seasons, storms, and ground movement. Because William had made his foundations stronger, his house withstood these challenges. 

Benjamin's house began to show the strain. Soon he discovered the crack in the foundation, and the crack was growing. When the ground swelled with moisture in the rainy spring, it would lift up against the foundation, causing the crack to get wider and longer. In an effort to repair the damage, Benjamin fills the crack. However this only masks the problem. Soon when the snow melts, water begins to leak into the foundation and the concrete starts to deteriorate. 

One summer day, storm clouds begin to build. Rain starts to fall, and the winds start to blow. The storm grows into a once in a lifetime monster. Hail begins to fall and damages the flowers. Wind starts to tear off any unsecured roofing, and blows branches off the trees, even causing some trees to topple. The storm builds in intensity. 

William's house withstands natures worst. It only take minor damage. But Benjamin's house starts loosing shingles from the roof and the shutters start coming off. As the winds grow stronger, the house begins to shudder. It creaks and groans. Finally Benjamin's house can't take it anymore and parts of it begin to buckle and break. The walls collapse His house is in ruins. All of it's beautiful fascade and fine marble didn't do a thing to mend the underlying structural problems.

A Tale of Two Houses Pt#2

The two brothers went back to their homes and proceeded to frame them up. William decided that because of the potential for strong winds, he should use thicker lumber and add some extra strength to the shear walls. Because of the potential for heavy snow, he selected a steeper pitch for his roof, and selected stronger trusses to support it. Because of the potential for heavy rains, he took special efforts to grade the surrounding landscape to drain any water away from his house. 

Benjamin on the other hand, even though he was aware of these problems, took the attitude that the house would be sufficiently strong to withstand a windstorm, and that snow would probably not cause any problems. He took no special notice of drainage around the structure, figuring that any water would be minimal. 

Upon the completion of the framing, William's house was already in a very good state to withstand most encounters with nature and storms. Meanwhile, Benjamin had not noticed that his foundation had already started to crack, and his house had not even faced any real challenges yet. 

As construction proceeded, because William had constructed his exterior walls from thicker than required timber, it allowed him to use thicker insulation to better protection against hot and cold temperatures. Next he selected a simple yet attractive brick for the exterior, a good choice because it is durable against weather and doesn't fade or peel much with age. For much of the exterior of his home, he selected simple yet durable materials. When finished, his house looked nice, but not too fancy. 

Benjamin however decided that since he was able to save so much on his foundation and framing, had more to spend on the finish of his home. He choose very nice looking but expensive stone for the outside. He used expensive paints. He bought expensive doors and windows with shutters. He bought copper trim because it looked so nice. 

William was practical and conservative on the inside. Like on the outside, he used materials that while plain, were durable.  Benjamin on the used expensive stone for his countertops. It was attractive, but scratched easily. He spent large amounts of money on his bathrooms, using the finest marble. 

When both houses were completed, William's house looked plain in comparison to his brother Benjamin's. William's landscaping was more basic, the colors more subdued. Benjamin's house looked very handsome indeed, with its bronze door handles, copper rain gutters, expensive hardwoods, and elegant marble. 

But despite the outward elegance of the house Benjamin built, it has an underlying problem in its cracked foundation and marginal structure.

A Tale of Two Houses Pt#1

Once upon a time there were two brothers. For the sake of the story, let's give these brothers names. The first will be William and the second Benjamin.  Each brother had received their share of an inheritance and it was now time to leave the homes of their parents and seek to obtain property of their own. These brothers each purchased a lot of land, and had decided upon building a house.

Each brother set aside a portion of their inheritance for the construction of the house. William, the first brother decided that to begin he would need to know what kind of conditions the house needed to endure, so he contacted an engineer who was familiar with the area, and they drafted a plan. Benjamin on the other hand was eager to begin his project, so he drafted his own set of plans. 

Each of the brothers then began constructing the house by digging down to form the footings. When they dug down they discovered that the soil was clay.  So William, the first brother decided that his footing might need extra support and choose to dig a little deeper, and requested a load of gravel to place beneath his footing. Benjamin on the other hand decided that the ground was firm enough.  Besides, he would rather spend more of his budget elsewhere. 

Soon the time came to form the footings. William decided to pour his footings a little bit thicker, and to add some extra reinforcement. Benjamin on the other hand decided that his footing was already plenty strong. Besides, this concrete is expensive. In fact Benjamin even mixed a little bit of dirt into his concrete mix, so that he would not have to buy so much concrete. After all, he told himself, you can hardly even tell, it won't make any difference. 

Next the brothers began to form up their foundations. William ordered a special concrete mix that was stronger than regular concrete, and added extra rebar in areas that might need more strength, such as around the windows and doors. Benjamin however, still wanted to save his money for other parts of the building later. So he orders the regular concrete mix, and tries to cut corners wherever he can to save money. 

Soon the foundations had been completed

And the house was ready for the phase of construction.