Fornication Within Marriage

Many people have a mistaken belief that fornication is having sexual relations outside of marriage. As my articles have shown, this concept is flawed. Sexual intimacy is always one of two things. Either it is a relationship between a husband and wife known as marriage, or it is adultery. 

A common idea that these casual relationships outside the marriage covenant are less serious sins. But any sexual relation that exists outside the laws of chastity are adulterous, and carry the same consequences. The reasons for this is not that God looks upon one sin as serious and another not so serious, but rather that the eternal laws of justice and natural consequences are always in effect. Either we are treating our relationships in a manner where they are solemn, sacred bonds or we are treating sexuality and the physical sensations as a form of entertainment. 

Fornication in its broader definition refers to this unclean state, an impurity pertaining to the marriage. It is a state in which the bond between the man and woman is broken. In other words, fornication is not exclusive to the act of committing sexual activities outside the marriage covenant, but rather the act of violating the marriage covenant through an act of uncleaness. 

So what is this uncleaness?  Well, fornication is more or less, the act of putting sexual pleasures ahead of genuine intimacy. It is the act of indulging in carnal pleasures, often including birth control measures, pornography, performance enhancements, etc. it also includes refraining from intimacy for a variety of reasons, including but not exclusive to: masturbation and fantasies, punishment, etc. These things weaken the true relationship and turn a marriage into a drudgery. It's like covering a white wedding dress in manure. It converts the sacred bonds of matrimony into whoredom. 

Now for a couple scriptural references as an example:

“And in the second year of this week in this jubilee, Rebecca called Jacob her son, and spake unto him, saying: "My son, do not take thee a wife of the daughters of Canaan, as Esau, thy brother, who took “him two wives of the daughters of Canaan, and they have embittered my soul with all their unclean deeds: for all their deeds are fornication and lust, and there is no righteousness with them, for (their deeds) are evil." Book of Jubilees 25:1

"And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.  And the thing which he did displeased the Lord" Genesis 38:9-10

See also 1st Corinthians chapter 5

Birth Control

While I am still on the subject of marriage and relationships and adultery, I thought I would touch upon the subject of birth control. This is a very good question to address. What do the scriptures say in regards to birth control. 

Contraceptive use has been on the rise for quite some time. It in a nutshell offers people the ability to indulge in sexual pleasures without having to worry about children. Other birth control methods that are widely used include condoms and the morning after pill. 

One problem with these things is that they lessen the value of people. It makes sex cheap and common. It makes it easy for people to treat sexual intimacy as an amusing pastime. It makes them treat each other like entertainment.  It downgrades the relationship. 

Another problem has to do with children. Research has shown that couples that have children are more likely to have deeper more meaningful relationships. People who use birth control are depriving themselves of the joy that comes from bringing children into the world and raising them. This act requires people to sacrifice their natural selfishness and be more giving of themselves. This path of making people less selfish naturally makes them more loving. And the fact that people created something together acts as a cement that joins them together. 

In addition to that, there are physical consequences. Contraceptives are based upon synthetic hormones that disrupt the natural functions of the body. People do not realize how sick these unwholesome substances make them. Often the disruptions become permanent, becoming a major factor in the infertility epidemic that has been plaguing our nation in recent years. The body losses its ability to function normally. 

Condoms cause issues too. While not widely understood, there are chemical and hormonal bonds that occur between a husband and wife that involve the seminal fluid. Receptors in the woman respond to markers in the seminal fluid that trigger the release of hormones responsible for emotional attachment. This deepens and renews the connection between them. When condoms are used, the receptors are not satisfied, and the emotional connection breaks down. This again downgrades the relationship from an intimate emotional relationship to a more sexual relationship. Any practice that involves sexual contact without the contact of seminal fluid with have similar results. 

Abstinence is another practiced option. It requires the exercise of discipline and self control. However, it also can cause problems if not used wisely. If abstinence creates an emotional separation between husband and wife, it can be harmful. So a careful approach would need to be employed if this method is used. 

My goal is not to govern or define the type of relationship people should have with each other. But I find that this widespread practice of birth control is counterproductive to the marriage relationship. If a man and woman are not ready and willing to have children, then they are probably not emotionally mature enough to be married. Marriage requires a sacrifice of selfish desires or it won't work. Deciding not to have children is usually rooted in selfishness. People want to accomplish their dreams in life without children getting in the way. And that is pure selfish prideful ego, and if we are to become more like God, we must eliminate that from our characters. 

Another element to consider is that because the methods of contraceptives and condoms remove the common consequences and cheapen the sexual interactions, it makes those who employ such practices more prone to breaking their covenants and committing adultery. Abstinence can also trigger a weakness in many individuals, causing those who feel unloved and neglected to attempt to seek for it elsewhere. 

Till Death Do Us Part

As I have shared in my previous articles, marriage is not easily broken, There are actual physical bonds that are formed that cannot be broken, and one of the main goals of marriage is to not simply have a man and woman live together, but rather for them to learn to actually be united. 

So what about death?  In the world in general they marry till death, which by teaching indicates that the surviving partner would be free to remarry. But does this line up with scripture?  Does the marriage covenant used by the Christian world world exist in the scriptures?  What kind death is even talked about?  

An analogy used by a friend of mine goes like this. There was once a married couple, and the husband needed to travel to another country, and told his wife that when the time was right, he would send for her. But while the husband was gone, the wife decided that the marriage licence they had was only valid in the country she resides in, and that since her husband was no longer in the country, that she was no longer married. So she married another man. When the time came for her husband to send for her, she was unable to come because she had broken the agreement and was now married to another.  

So it is with marriage in this life. When we die, we are not actually dead. Our marriage unites our souls and spirit, not just the physical body. We should develop a love for one another so strong that when we die, we will desire to be with one another in eternity. If you get remarried after your spouse passes, then what kind of relationship did you have?  

I'm not saying that you should never get remarried, but what I am saying is do not treat death as a nullification of a marriage. Let the Lord direct that part of your lives, and unless directed otherwise, just keep your covenants with your spouse and with God. 

"The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.  But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God." 1st Corinthians 7:39-40 

Divorce Justified?

In light of the recent posts on abuse and addictions, the question that obviously comes up is at what point do these problems justify a divorce. How long do those involved need to keep trying to resolve or endure these problems. 

Among the gentile and Christian beliefs is taught that a marriage is for life. They enter into vows or covenants that they will be married until death. And the vows they enter into state that they will remain together through good times and hard times. There is a value to people honoring those covenants. Mormons are taught that they can be married for eternity, that their marriage can last beyond this life. 

So let's define divorce. Divorce is an annulment of marriage. When a couple gets a divorce under the law, then they are no longer legally married. 

So that being said, let's look at what Christ said. 

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery." Matthew 5:31-32 

Also:

"The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause? And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so. And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matthew 19:3-9

From what can be determined by these scriptures, divorcement is not really an option, unless one's spouse commits fornication or some other very serious sin. Any other cause, including abuse or addictions or other faults, does not justify a divorcement.  As such they need to work out their problems and try to mend the bond between them that is caused by these problems. 

Now this does not mean that a separation is not justified at times. It may very well be that a man and wife may need to separate from each other. This may especially be the case if physical abuse is extremely bad, or if these problems can adversely affect the children. Pornography can certainly justify a separation, since being exposed to it can cause serious problems. But a separation is not a divorce. They are still married, and as such are not permitted to remarry. 

Getting a legal divorce is not recognized by God, so if a couple has gotten a divorce that is not justified by God, then they are still married. You can only get divorced if God recognizes it, and that requires a testimony from Him. Unless you have that testimony, you need to carry on as though your marriage is still in effect.  Being divorced does not justify you in remarrying unless God directs you to, just as a single person should not marry someone unless God directs them to. 

Pornography

Perhaps the greatest of the common addictions is pornography. Of the series of common addictions that can shatter marriages, I have saved this for last, because of all the major problems, this one in particular is the most damaging. 

Many who view pornography claim it does no harm. They claim it doesn't hurt anyone. In fact some even argue that it can prevent people from acting out their fantasies. I have to disagree. In my view, and I will state it boldy, pornography is adultery.  Why is this so?

Let's turn to the words of Christ. 

"Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:27-28

Now isn't this verse plain. Does this not describe pornography perfectly?  When men view pictures or videos of scantily clad or naked women, are they not lusting after them? Are they not desiring to be pleased by these images?  Are they not seeking to satisfy an appetite?  

Notice the savior refers to this committing adultery in their hearts. Those that claim it prevents them from acting out their fantasies, does it not still corrupt their hearts?  Are they not seeking after a vile corruption?  This doesn't even apply to pornography strictly. You could have a women wearing modest clothing, yet have a man with a dirty mind ogling her and imagining when she looks like naked or fantasizing about her. This may not hurt the woman at all, but what does entertaining such thoughts do to the mind of the individual who entertains them?  Is not the damage done to the mind and heart just as real as if they had actually physically commited adultery?

Viewing pornography lessens the value of women in the minds of men. It makes men value the physical outward appearance and physical sensations, while it detaches them and isolates them from forming a real emotion connection. A man who views pornography does not value his wife as a wonderful intelligent person or as a valuable soulmate. He instead regards her as his property, to be enjoyed at his discretion. 

Furthermore that man's wife must compete with pornography.  She will feel inadequate in comparison with her husbands expectations and fantasies. She will feel like she is not pretty enough, and he will desire something from her that cannot give. 

This does not apply exclusively to men. Ladies, erotic romance novels are your pornography. Reading about it is no different than looking at it. It is just as as destructive. Can a real man compete with a woman's fantasies?  Do these novels portray realistic or truly desirable men?  I say they do not. They set you up for unrealistic expectations, and this will interfere with your relationships. 

These things prevent a true unity and bond and trust in your relationships. They cause you to focus on the outward shallow physical appearance and turn meaningful intimacy into nothing more than just another form of entertainment. 

Gambling

Gambling is a compulsive behavior. It is driven by a desire for pleasure just as any other addiction is. It's not so much about the actual winning as it is about the thrill. There is a certain appeal to people, to know how slim their odds are, but have that chance to win. 

The obvious problem, is that this addiction often gets people into trouble. People devote significant portions of their incomes to that chance to win. The lure of making the jackpot tempts people to keep playing. This in turn often creates marital problems. 

Most often a deeper issue is going on here. Those that are prone to gamble are inherently compulsive individuals, willing to try things without regard to consequences. They lack self disciple and control. This is a problem with all addictions, but gambling often manifests in an extreme way because that compulsive behavior is combined with greed. This is why gambling and crime are so often associated. Gamblers tend to branch out into other addictions, looking for the easy route. Where is the easy money?  Betting on races? Getting involved in a drug deal? Money laundering? Where is the easy sex?  Gambling can easily grow into other areas of life, and marital problems are a frequent result. Why do they try to hide their problem?  It's because they know it's a destructive behavior and they are unwilling to acknowledge it and change. 

If you have a desire to gamble, pray to God that your heart can be changed and that you can overcome that desire. If your spouse has this problem, pray for help and strength. Nothing worth obtaining was ever obtained by chance, everything worth obtaining is acquired through hard work and determination. 

Video Games

Another area that is a common problem is video games. There is a reason I am writing about this on its own, and that is because of the nature of this medium. Other media are often passive, requiring little or no input from the viewer. But video games are immersive. 

This immersive nature makes them a substitute for reality. They require our near full attention, and can keep us entertained for hours. They draw us away from what is going on around us. They can challenge us and reward us, all without really accomplishing anything. Very often they require this investment of time in order to be successful. 

Playing games occasionally for short periods of time is fine, but video games are easy to go overboard on. This one hits close to me. There was a time in my life where I definitely invested far too much of my time into games. And if I don't guard myself, it is easy to fall back into them. I have found the best way to deal with it is to replace that part of my life with something else. 

Like other addictions, video games draw us away from the reality of our lives. We need to seek God and perfect our characters. We do that by facing and learning from reality, and seeking to know the truth, not by escaping from it. And in our relationships, addictions draw us away and make us distant and isolated. Video game addiction has become a major factor in broken relationships and dysfunctional marriages. 

Television and Movies

Another area that is often an issue is this desire for entertainment. I know this topic is going to hit a tender spot for a lot of people, but I think it ought to be addressed, considered, and discussed. 

Now let's get one thing cleared up first. I am not against entertainment, television, movies, or music. I do believe that the kind of entertainment we choose is important, but that's a topic for another day. What I am getting at here is that these things are a distraction. And that distraction can easily get carried too far. 

I know of many people that have a television running whenever they are at home. There are many who spend most weekends watching the latest sports program, or following some new drama, or watching another reality tv show. And very often, thoughts of these things take up a significant part of their time throughout the day, not just while they are watching. 

Let's take sports for example. Sports are really little more than entertainment, yet millions of Americans are consumed by it. They spend hours watching it on television, listening to it on their radios, checking the scores on their phones, etc. Men build man-caves which is basically a shine to sports. And often this devotion comes at the cost of the marriage relationship. 

My main point is if we spent as much time strengthening our relationship with our spouse and with God, we would have a happier marriage, a happier life, and we would lose much of our interest and desire for entertainment which does not help us become better people.  Take an honest look at yourself. Ask an honest question. Ask "Do I spend too much time being entertained?" "Does it draw my thoughts away from God and my family?" We can only answer this question ourselves. 

And if this article offends you, chances are that you you love these things too much and don't want to let them go. But if you want to change, you first have to accept a need to. 

Drugs and Alcohol

One of the great problem areas is when someone gets into drugs or alcohol. These addictions can create major problems in a relationship. 

One of the largest and obvious reasons is that these substances can alter behavior and thought. It can take a person who would otherwise be happy, pleasant, peaceful, and kind and make them angry, unpleasant, troubled, and often mean. It can make them unstable and irrational. 

They say these substances can show who we really are inside. I both agree and disagree. Alcohol and drugs distort our decision making abilities and compromise our inhibitions. They say that when a person becomes abusive when he gets drunk it means that's who they really are. I will agree that a part of them must be, and that part is showing through. However a part of their character must also be the part that suppresses or overcomes that angry side. That part is often suppressed when under the influence of these substances, but it is also part of who they are. So drugs and alcohol in my mind do not show who a person really is, they rather amplify some traits while suppressing others. This hides or alters who that person really is. 

Repeated use begins to reprogram and alter they way they think. The drugs cause initial surges of pleasure ( or temporarily suppress stress), but as time and use goes on, the mind and body adapts to the effect and it takes either a higher dose or more frequent use to get the same effect. As this process continues it will eventually reach a point where it begins to interfere with other areas of their lives. It will adversely affect their work performance, their relationships, their finances, etc. 

This has the effect of making their sober lives increasing unpleasant to their perception, and the drugs offer a temporary escape. Either they fail to see that this substance abuse is causing their problems, or they know it but are unable and unwilling to change. They have become a slave to the substance. They increasingly want to escape their reality, and just satisfy their own pleasure. All with dire consequences. 

This eventually leads to broken relationships, isolation, unhappiness, and depression. Those in this situation have only a few choices, and because they can't see or think clearly, they either lose the will or ability to choose the best path. The choices are: realize the reality of the situation, own up to the responsibility, then begin to break the bonds and start rebuilding their lives, or continue on till it gets bad enough that intervention of some kind is excercised on their behalf, or the depression will eventual cause them to commit suicide.  Often they have to get very close to the third choice before they pick option number one. Other times option number two leads to number one. But in the end, it only has two outcomes. As harsh as it sounds, they either have to change or die. 

Addictions

I'm going to discuss addictions for a bit. I think this is an important topic that pertains a lot to real world issues today. 

Webster's Dictionary defines addiction as:

"a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble). 

An unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something"

In today's society, as there has always been, has lots of distractions which men and women can become addicted to. These addictions can include: television (sports, comedies, drama, etc.), social media, pornography, drugs, alcohol, sex, video games, money, etc. Regardless of the object of the addiction, it functions to draw our minds, bodies, talents, energies, attention away from the things that should be important to us. 

Addictions create powerful and dangerous rifts in our relationships with those around us, most importantly our spouses. I'll give an example. How many women do you know of that loves her husband to play games for hours on end?  How many women are grateful that their husband can spend an entire Saturday glued to sports programs?  How many men enjoy it when their wives go shopping for hours on end?  How many men like their wives to absorb fashion magazines and spend countless hours trying to impress their friends?  

I don't intend to attack those things as just being negative. My point is not the object of our attentions. My point is the part of us that craves those things at the exclusion of other things. We human beings love to be entertained. We love to "escape" reality. In order to build a strong relationship, we must learn how to properly prioritize. It's ok to have hobbies. But we need to learn how to keep them in check. 

Consequences of Abuse

When we abuse our loved ones one of the natural consequences is that we lose the ability to love. Whether physical or emotional, abuse destroys the abuser.

Those that are physically or verbally abusive tend to have layers of deep hurt. They are not strong. They feel that their weakness is a lack of value. And in order to validate themselves, they will try to use fear, intimidation, and shame to bring others to their level. They feel a lack of control, mostly over themselves, and so they desperately try to control others. 

What they have failed to learn is that love, honor, and respect are far more powerful tools to accomplish that goal. When we love our companions, we don't need to control them, we won't want to control them. When we love, we get love in return, and they will desire to strengthen and encourage and serve. 

This desire for control stems from fear. Mostly a fear of loss. A man who beats or insults his wife is afraid. He is afraid that if he doesn't control her, and make her fear him, that she will either control him, or that he will lose her. The truth is that if he has to use tools like fear, then he is already a slave to fear and is already out of control of his life. He cannot control himself and that scares him. Same if the roles are reversed. 

Fear is the opposite of faith. Those that seek control are doing so out of fear, and by reasoning, must not have sufficient faith. Fear is the opposite of love. Those that have fears need to learn how to love and be loved. They need to learn how to trust. If a man trusts his wife, he would never do anything to betray that trust. And he would seek to do anything to obtain and strengthen it. 

The cost of abuse is that the abuser will lose their own self respect and love, and will distance themselves from those that love them. The problem becomes self feeding. Unless those that are abusive correct the problem themselves, they will push others away, and that will tend to make them more hurt and lonely, and often more abusive. 

For those being abused, turn towards God, and show more love towards the abuser, don't retaliate. Retaliation just creates more hurt. For those that are abusing others, but want to change, turn to towards God. Help one another and stop trying to tear each other down. 

I highly recommend the movie "War Room". 

Emotional Abuse

Not all abuse that couples direct towards each other is physical. Much occurs as manipulation towards the emotional side. 

While there are many that do not physically harm each other, just as damaging are the words we speak. I know of countless couples who attack and belittle each other, and make negative comments about each other. They compare each other to themselves, other people, silly ideas, etc. They use words like "always" and "never". They directly attack each other's value. 

Now what does this accomplish?  It breaks down the bond and unity and love that needs to exist between them. It leaves them feeling like they can never measure up to the other persons expectations, and that they cannot reconcile their differences. 

This verbal abuse is in my opinion as destructive, if not worse than physical abuse. It scars the heart, and the deep emotional wounds are not easily healed. 

Think about your words, and stop tearing each other down, not even in joking. It also makes no difference whether you directly say things to each other. I know many men and women who will belittle their spouse in front of others, referring to them as the nag, louse, or worse. When we belittle our other half, we lessen their value in our own minds and hearts, and we lessen and belittle ourselves. 

This emotional manipulation does not always occur with words either. The "silent treatment" is a good example. Withholding other things, such as intimacy can at times be used as an abusive manipulative tool. Also saying things like "If you really loved me..." is a form of emotional manipulation. 

Realize that abuse deeply hurts people and that hurt can cause deep wounds that in the long run will have costly consequences. 

Physical Abuse

One issue that comes up is what happens if there is a physically abusive relationship. What happens if a couple get married, and one is abusive towards the other?  

And so the question comes up. In such a situation, is it justifiable for the one being abused to leave the relationship?  And what point does it become so?

I do not know how many people are in abusive situations. I'm sure it is a lot. I am greatly saddened by such things. I believe that one of the main goals of marriage is to help unite a man and woman. Obviously if physical violence is happening, then this unity is broken. 

Now for the benefit of those who are not yet married, and in no way a judgement towards those who are, I will state that the best way to avoid getting into such a situation is to trust the Lord on the matter. Most cases of someone getting into an abusive relationship stems from getting into that situation themselves. This is not always the case, but nevertheless, it is the common way. Two people who didn't know each other found each other to be attractive, they dated, got married, and is often the case, did not get to see the whole person until after they had been living together. The age old saying that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure very much applies to these situations

Now now regarding the question of leaving the relationship. As I have laid out in my previous articles marriage is permanent. As such it is important that those who entered into it strive to make the situation work. This means that every option to resolve the problem needs to be explored. Counseling and other aid programs exist. Usually there are deep rooted emotional problems that cause abuse to occur. Steps to address those problems should be taken. One step that I would actually consider very key and important is prayer to God. Explain the situation before your Father in Heaven. Ask for the faith and wisdom to know what to do. 

Now if other efforts fail, then separation from the situation may be necessary. I am never one in favor of cutting off or severing communication. Lack of communication often  makes such problems worse. But in many cases, separation may send a clear message. The abuser may realize that they do in fact love the other person and that they need to change if they want to be with that person. And obviously if the abuse extends towards the children or seriously threatens the safety of anyone, separation is a must. 

Divorce Is Adultery

As I have stated in my previous posts, when a man and woman are joined they become one flesh. This happens literally, on a physical level, on an emotional level, and on a spiritual level. 

As Jesus Christ said:

"It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:  But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery."  Mark 5:31-32

And

"And the Pharisees came to him, and asked him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife? tempting him.  And he answered and said unto them, What did Moses command you?

And they said, Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away.  And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept.

But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;  And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh.  What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

And in the house his disciples asked him again of the same matter.  And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.  And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery." Mark 10:2-12

Now do not these passages make the matter clear?  Jesus Christ has clearly stated his position on divorce. As I laid out in my articles leading up to this, when a man and woman join, they become one flesh. It is not a ceremony that makes this so. It is not a piece of paper that makes this so. It is not the recognition of men or governments that makes this so. It is because when a man and woman are joined, they become one flesh, and no ceremony, document, or judicial decree will change that. After a couple gets a divorce, they are still married. And after they are separated, if they remarry, they are committing adultery because their marriage is still in effect.