Rough Times

In is normal and common for people to go through some hard times in their marriage. This can can occur for a variety of reasons. Most of these reasons have been explored in my recent articles. But what do we do about it?

One important thing to realize is that most serious problems between couple are a mutual issue. I don't intend to make people feel guilty, but I would like them to realize that in most situations, both partners are pushing each other away. Person A leaves their coat on the floor. Person B gets frustrated and retaliates by withholding love. The decrease in intimacy  and the negativity creates feelings of hurt and loneliness, and Person A begins to withdraw themselves, and a negative cycle has begun. 

Effective communication is important. You cannot assume that the other person understands your struggle or disappointments, unless you communicate it effectively.  Shaming and belittling your spouse is NOT effective communication. If a young man is playing games rather than spending time with his wife and family, and it bothers her, trying to make him feel guilty is not going to strengthen your relationship. Nagging is not effective communication. Very often such behavior is used as an escape from a negative relationship. Likewise a man complaining that his wife spends too much, might need to look at himself. If he is not giving her what she needs, (I don't mean more stuff) she will seek it elsewhere. 

Instead of acting emotional and out of control, a woman could say to her husband "Honey, I know you like to play your games, but you are leaving me feeling very lonely. I feel like I have to compete with your entertainment, and it makes me feel hurt and neglected. I want to spend more time with you."  Try to communicate it in a positive way, don't try to make him feel guilty because he has a weakness, but rather let him know that he is loved. In many cases, such an approach will start to soften his heart, and he will begin to change himself because he wants something better. 

Same thing guys. In my example, many girls that really like shopping actually want attention, but they don't know how to get the kind of attention that they actually need. Because they don't feel like they get what they want from their spouse they seek for the approval of others, often by trying to get more things that they think will make them happy. 

Most problems in relationships result from selfishness. And it is by letting go of the ego that we are able to affect real change. We will grow greatly once we realize that we have no power to change someone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. True we can be inspired to change, but we have to do it. We have to own up to our responsibilities. If your marriage is struggling, own up to your own responsibility.